Have I Ever Forsaken You?

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
Mark 4:40 (NIV)

It sounds like a reprimand, it reads like a reprimand, it probably is a reprimand.

For my Monopoly lovers, you will understand this, and if you have never played, stay with me. You are in the game, and it is getting tense. You are stuck in jail with a get-out-of-jail-free card sitting in your hand, you know exactly what it does, you know it is the very thing that will move you forward and get you back into play, yet instead of using it, you keep rolling the dice, leaving it to chance. You know the right move, but will not make it.

That was the situation I found myself in some time ago, and if I am being honest, it is a posture some of us drift into. I knew exactly what to do. I just would not do it and everything felt heavier than it should have because of that. I knew I needed to pray and talk to God about it, yet I avoided it in the most creative ways. I prayed about everything else. I filled the silence with what I tagged as safe conversations. I processed the main dilemma with friends, dissected it, laughed about it, and even made jokes. All while carefully avoiding the one place resolution was waiting.

Its like coming to the altar with your hands full and choosing to keep the heaviest thing tucked behind your back, then God asks, Is that everything? And you respond, Yes, Lord, that is all, while holding onto the very thing He was waiting for you to surrender, then you walk away and unpack it everywhere else, with everyone else, except Him. That is exactly what I did.

I remember one day, I was on a call with a friend, moving between venting, laughing, and holding back tears. At one point, I joked, “The flames are hot. I am on my way to medium rare.” Humour, my very polished disguise for fear. What I realised in hindsight was that God had already been reaching for me before that moment, in the days leading up to that call, two friends I had spoken to separately asked to pray for me before we parted, and in their prayers they echoed the same words, Lord, remind her that You are faithful, remind her that You have brought her through this before, remind her that You are a good God who will not leave her, different people, one message.

At the beginning of the year, God had impressed a word on my heart, “I am faithful.” I AM would have been enough. I see it now. Yet in all of His kindness and goodness, a supplement, “I am faithful.” Somewhere between my joking and my venting, I sensed Him say, you know this can be resolved if you just talk to Me. That was all I needed to hear. I loosened my grip on control and decided to talk to Him before the night ended.

In that moment, He was teaching me how to get off the throne of my life and enthrone Him. A daily ritual some of us are now learning to embed, because if we are not careful, we will quietly climb back onto that throne and start issuing decisions like we run anything.

That conversation was not polished. I had lost, and it was time to be honest. I came before Him, structure aside, with pure unbridled truth. The distance I had kept became clear, I had stayed in general conversation while holding surrender back. The thing He ever so requests. I had filled my time with activity as if movement could replace dependence. I had spoken to others before I spoke to Him.

Yet even there, He met me. The King enthroned on high, attentive, present, drawing near to one hesitant daughter. As I came before Him, He reminded me again, “I am faithful.” Then came the question, “Have I ever forsaken you”, and with tears in my eyes, I shook my head, unable to utter the never changing answer my heart knew.

Because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

Why was I allowing anxiety to narrate over a history of faithfulness? In that moment, He showed me plainly, I had a trust issue. I could say it with my mouth, God is faithful, but my oh my, it is hard to live out on one of those days when we have already taken ten steps into a future that does not exist. My lapse in trust revealed it clearly.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)

This word became my daily reminder, an anchor for my ever rocking heart as the winds kept tossing me. I became so dependent on daily bread from God. I would come home and say, “I made it.” Then one Friday it became, “I made it, it is the weekend, and I think I am doing better.” Lesson learnt.

One of my favorite things I say to myself is, every breath is mercied in and mercied out. I would practice, a breath in, a breath out. A reminder of His mercy by which I was not consumed, and a reminder of His faithfulness, knowing I was never alone. My God sees me, Jehovah El Roi.

Our understanding tends to be haywire when it is triggered by life happening in real time, acknowledging Him is not always a nod that says “I see You”, it sometimes is a surrender that says “You see me”, because at that point we are so blinded by all that is going on that the reassurance of God seeing us is enough for us to then see Him, the one who is mindful of us, that in the middle of our spiraling thoughts He is present, attentive, still including us in His story.

And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
Matthew 6:30 (NLT)

I once heard a story about a mother who drops her child off at school every day. One morning, the child panics and says, “You are not coming back for me.” The mother gently asks, “Have I ever forgotten you?”

Look to the LORD, and his strength: seek his face continually.
1 Chronicles 16:11 (KJV)

 If God knows everything about you, even what has not yet happened, and He is not anxious, then why are you? – (Another chastening from the spirit)

Side note: I am personally of the opinion that the Holy Spirit is the best speaker ever – if only we listened more  

If you do not have a relationship with Him, navigating life like this will feel heavy because you are carrying what was never designed to sit on your shoulders. This is an invitation to step into a relationship with Christ and begin Adulting with God. Here is a Gift  – Start Here

Knowing God, walking with Him, remembering His faithfulness is a decision made daily, we are humans and prone to forget, pressure distorts memory, fear gets loud, so we return, daily and if needed by the second, choosing again and again to anchor ourselves in who He has proven Himself to be, the Lord enthroned on high is near and attentive, ready to steady the heart that comes honestly before Him.

This is a letter to myself as much as it is to you, a standing reminder for hearts that wander, for minds that forget, for some of us whose souls need remembering that our God is faithful.

I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?
Jeremiah 32:27 (KJV)

FYI, life is not Monopoly, this is not a game of chance, and we are not meant to keep rolling the dice when we already know the move. Bring it to God!

Prayer

Dear God,

Your child is here.

Thank You for Your mercy and for the grace that allows me to come boldly before Your throne, thank You that I come as a child welcomed by a Father, a Father with foreknowledge, a Father who guides, a Father who sees ahead and is never caught off guard.

Thank You that You are faithful even when I am not.

Father, help me remember Your works that have steadied me on uncertain ground and anchored my wandering soul. When my memory fails, remind me. When fear rises, steady me. When I begin to run, draw me back to You.

I’m forever thankful that in You I have hope, thank You that You hold my tomorrow, thank You that every detail of my life rests in Your sovereign hands.

“This is the day which you my LORD has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.”

Today, I choose to rejoice, let my spirit be at peace, settle my heart in the truth that you, my Father already knows what today will bring.

And because You know, I can rest.

Amen.